A Beautiful Mess
by castlet0pia
Summary: These past three years have been hell. ONE-SHOT


**Yay! I wrote my first story/one-shot that's rated with K**. **I hope you'll like it. **

**I really don't know how this came to me. I think I was listening to Adele and it just... Yeah. **

**Enjoy. (:**

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><p>She's here again.<p>

She's been coming here every evening for the past 3 years. She's been ordering the same two coffees every time she's been here.

She's been waiting for him to show up, just so she could tell him that she's sorry.

That she still loves him. More than anything.

And he never showed up. Never. She's been waiting every night in the same coffee shop, the one he was bringing her coffee from while they were still partners.

She made a terrible mistake. And she's so sorry. She's sorry. She really is. They could be happy, but she ruined it. She ruined their chance.

This evening wasn't any different. She came here as soon as they closed their case. They had a tough one today and she needed him so much to be there for her like he always was, but he didn't show up.

She looked out of the window and wrapped her hands around the warm cup of coffee. These past three years have been hell. She never thought that she needed him so much to function properly. When he went, she hadn't left her apartment for 3 weeks. She hadn't talked to anyone for 2 days, until Lanie came over and Kate had to open her doors. Then they cried together.

She went back to work 2 months later. She hasn't been the same since he left. She hasn't really smiled in 3 years. She couldn't. Because it reminded her of him so much, that she had to cry every single time she was lying in her bed at night.

She tried to forget him, to get over him. She tried to deal with the loss, but no matter what, she couldn't. When he left, he took her heart with him.

Gates tried to fire her after she saw that she wasn't the same, but Kate broke down and started crying in Gates' office, begging her to let her stay because work was the only thing constant in her life. The Captain hugged her and told her that she has to pull herself together.

She hasn't seen her father much. Only about 7 times in the past 3 years.

She was always working. She lost so much weight that she had to go to the hospital the first year he was gone. After that, she started to eat again, but it was never the same.

She was a wreck and she knew it. But she couldn't be anything else without him.

Without him, she was nothing.

Cold.

Invisible and not even that.

She sighed, covered her face with her hands, her elbows leaning on the wooden table. She could feel tears prickling behind her eyes, the bump in her throat growing. She let out a quiet whimper and sniffed.

She still kept his books on her shelves. She still had a picture of them together on her kitchen counter. She still had his phone number on her speed dial. She still had memories of him. That was the one thing that could never be erased.

And she just missed him so much.

She wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her jacket and drank the coffee. Her eyes flicked at the cup opposite hers, sitting there, the beverage most probably lukewarm. Kate picked up her purse and exited the coffee shop, finding herself standing in the rain. She decided to walk home, tried to will the rain to wash away her pain, but the rain only reminded her of that night.

_They were kissing at her apartment after she confessed to him that she heard him. He was mad, but so in love with her that he couldn't think of anything else but to kiss her. So they kissed, their bodies pressed together, their hands roaming. _

_She thought that he'd leave when she told him, but he didn't. And she was so glad, because now he was kissing her and it felt so good that she thought she was going to cry._

_He pushed her against the wall and she moaned, pulling him closer, started to unbutton his shirt when he pulled away. _

_'Kate, I have to show you something.' She furrowed her brows and licked her lips, tried to figure out what would be so important._

_'Now?' she breathed and he nodded, stepped away from her. _

_'Yeah, I-You have to come to my apartment.' _

_So they went. And he showed her the board. _

_'What the hell, Castle!' She stalked forwards, hit him in the chest, hard._

_'How the hell could you do this to me?' He tried to explain, but she didn't let him._

_'I thought we had a chance! You betrayed me! I hate you!' His heart broke and a single tear travelled down his cheek. _

_'I love you, Kate. I always will.' She only huffed as tears leaked from her eyes. She went to the front door and opened it as he hurried after her. The last thing she said before she closed the door and broke them both was, 'It's over. I'm done.' _

She couldn't separate tears from rain as she walked down the street to her apartment. She was soaked and she didn't care, because it didn't matter.

Three days after their fight she got a letter from him. He hadn't shown up at the precinct, hadn't even spoken to her in those three days. In the letter, he told her that he won't be coming back again because he can't. Because she's always pushing him away, even when all he cares about is just to keep her safe. He told her that he's moving to London in two days, that he decided to try and write James Bond books. He told her that he knew nothing was going to be the same, that he was leaving New York with a broken heart and that no matter what, wherever life would take her, that she had to remember, had to know that he loves her so much, more than anything, more than life itself. The last word written on the paper was _'goodbye' _and that word tore her heart apart. She had a panic attack that evening and she collapsed on the floor of her living room.

He never wrote another book. If he would, she'd hear about it.

Kate finally got to her apartment building, went up the stairs and unlocked her door. She stepped in, shed her coat and made herself a hot bath. She looked herself in the mirror and traced her scars with her fingers. She was hoping that he'd touch them, see them someday, but now she could forget all about that.

She stepped into the tub and lied down, picked up his letter from the shelve nearby. She read it again. Especially the part where he told her that he'll always love her. She burst into tears again.

Maybe today was kind of a special day, because today was exactly 3 years since they kissed, since she told him that it's over.

She shook her head and got out of the now cold bath, wiped herself dry, put on some sweats and an old NYPD t-shirt and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. It became a much-needed beverage since he left and she drank 7 cups a day, sometimes even more.

Just as she was pouring the liquid in a mug, she heard someone knock at the door. She looked at the clock and saw that it was 10.08 PM. Who would be knocking at her door at this hour? She could think only of one person, but that was impossible because he left three years ago.

She opened the door, but nobody was standing there. She looked down the hall and it was empty, but when her eyes looked down at the floor, she saw a bouquet of flowers lying there in front of her feet.

She picked it up and pulled out a card, saw her name written on it in the most familiar writing. She gasped and opened the card, a folded piece of paper falling to the floor. She picked it up and read it.

_I'm sorry that I left. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have kept pushing and demolishing your wall, but I gave up. I have no idea why. These last three years have been hell. I've barely been sleeping or eating and I haven't written a word since you told me it was over. Every second of my day I found myself wishing I could be near you, to touch you or just see you. 1095 days without you have been awfull and so wrong. _I_ was so wrong for letting go of the best thing that's ever happened to me besides Alexis. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I want to be with you, I want to be there _for _you for the rest of my life. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy and safe. I know that I shouldn't have kept that a secret from you, but I couldn't bare to lose you again. Not when I love you so much. I can only hope that you'll take me back and if you don't, then I swear you'll never see me again if that's what you want and need. I miss you. I love you. _

_ALWAYS._

By the time she read it twice, she was crying so hard that her vision blurred. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, put a hand over her mouth.

He wanted her back. He wanted to be with her. He still loved her.

She looked up when she heard a faint voice say, 'Kate.'

He was standing in front of her, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt. He looked like he lost some weight and he looked older somehow. The sparkle that was so typicall for his eyes wasn't there and the blue seemed to have lost its colour. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and tears were rolling down his cheeks, leaving a wet path behind them.

She couldn't believe that he was here.

He left, but he came back.

He always came back.

_Always._

As he attempted to smile at her, she broke again. She slid down the wall and to the floor, hiding her face in her hands, crying, trying to breathe, but she couldn't.

She was going to have a panic attack again.

But now that he was back, he wouldn't let her.

She felt him grab her hands gently and she cried harder, because he was touching her, _they_ were touching after 1095 days of being apart, they were together, right there in the hallway in her apartment building, both crying like babies.

He picked her up bridal style and carried her into the apartment because neighbours were starting to open their doors and look out to see who was crying.

He tried to lay her down onto the couch, but she wouldn't let go of his neck. She _couldn't_ let go of him, now that she had him back.

He had no problems with that. He lied down with her and held her to him, crying into her hair while she was crying into his neck, her tears rolling down to his t-shirt, soaking it wet.

They stayed like that for some time until their tears stopped falling. They both had their eyes shut and by the time they calmed down, Kate's hair had already dried.

'You okay?' he asked her, tracing small circles on her back with his hand, curling his fingers in her hair with another one.

She sniffed and whimpered. 'Stop talking, you're gonna make me cry again.' He smiled in her hair and it was his first real smile in three years. He kissed the top of her head and opened his eyes.

'God, it's good to hear your voice,' he said and her hands fisted in his t-shirt on his chest again as she felt new tears forming in her eyes.

'I've missed you so much, Kate. It's been terrible. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.' His voice broke at the last word and they both started crying again.

When they calmed down again, he sighed and pulled back to try and look her in the eyes, because he missed those hazel-green eyes, he missed seeing life and happiness and love in them. She wiped her face with her hands and then looked up at him.

'I'm sorry, this was all my fault,' she confessed, her eyes watering. She thought that she had cried herself out today, but apparently not.

'It wasn't Kate, it was me, I'm-'

'I love you, Rick. I love you so much.' He crashed his lips onto hers for a lingering kiss as new tears started falling. They broke apart, smiling like idiots.

A thought struck her.

She was smiling again.

She was smiling.

It was okay.

He was back.

'We're a mess, aren't we?' she asked him as he caressed her cheek and she had to close her eyes at the feeling. She missed this. She missed him.

His smile was tender, loving, happy, so sure. He leaned his forehead against hers and exhaled slowly.

'Yes. But we're a _beautiful _mess.' She smiled against his lips.

They would be fine. Everything was going to be alright.

**Review pretty please? **

**Ariela  
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